The question is am I sacrificing my wellbeing to live in the city again knowing all the anxiety it has caused me.
Growing up in New York City public housing I spent most of my life running from my home train station to my apartment in order to avoid being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I feared being shot, assaulted, robbed, or jumped anytime I walked home. I promised myself from a young age that I wouldn’t live in fear or anxiety when I was old enough to find a new place to live.
I relied on moving to Maryland for security to escape everything I had known in New York, but continued a constant battle whether I can handle city life again. I decided that if I could handle living in NYC then Baltimore would be fine.
But things weren’t fine.
During Kaylynn’s talk about relocation and her recent mugging experience, I broke. Was I settling the lifestyle I wanted for city life again?
It’s hard for people to understand that living and relocating back to the city is more complex then it seems.
Although I love city life,
I’m tired of making sure my door is locked shut every night.
I’m tired of people being shot.
I’m tired of living in a box.
I’m tired of fearing for my life.
I’m tired of high rent.
I’m tired of money.
I’m tired of feeling hopeless.
I’m tired of the injustices.
I’m tired. I’m tired. I’m tired.
And I’m sick of being tired.
I can’t tell if I’m settling by living in the city by sacrificing my mental health or in the suburbs where I can forget my fears exist.
…Despite everything I’m still trying to remain positive.
Positive event #2: Going to the African American with my family group and seeing Mary Mary!